The text from last night:
Dad: you want us to pick you up for dinner?
Me: No thanks, I told you I would meet you there, remember?
Dad: it's on our way, we can pick you up.
Me: no thanks. I have stuff I need to do so I will meet you there.
Dad: ok, let me know if you want me to pick you up.
FUCK! and Jesus Christ already.
Talk about someone who does not accept no for an answer. But I know this today and I know that because I say no to my dad it doesn't mean I love him any less.
With my mom it's simply the stuffing of feelings and awkward silences. I love that I know this behavior as well. Because for a long, long time I took it as disappointment and shame. But I know now it's just what they both learned growing up.
What I learned growing up is you either stuff it or you act out really inappropriately and make people feel extremely uncomfortable. So, when I got sober I had to learn a whole new set of behaviors and reactions. AND TO SET FUCKING BOUNDARIES.
And just because I set boundaries, doesn't mean people will respect them. But for me, it's a sense of control and protection. This is not easy to do. My gut instinct is to give in and to let my dad have his way, because, well, he's my dad and that's what every good girl does. But Jesus fucking Christ, I'm 38 years old already. When you get sober, they say you stay the approximate age of when you started drinking, so for me I was 18 for a long fucking time and have now gotten 10 sober years under my belt and can deal with things as an approximately 28 year old would. That is some fucked up shit right there.
I'm hoping once I have my own child, this dynamic will somehow change, but I'm not holding my breath. I get so angry with myself for letting my parents turn me into a neurotic mess every time we are together. But I have to realize this has gone on for a long fucking time and it will continue to go on. I cannot expect them to change. But I can do my best to not react.
|and look, this one even has a skirt! Perfect. |