Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I am a Fancy Pants Big Shot

Look at this nonsense. 

that girl right there is a big shot. She makes all kinds of important things happen with important people.  Mostly though, she makes an important but happy fool of herself.  Blurrily.  OH EM GEE.  FANCY BATHROOM SHOT.

I've been living large for two days at a conference of Global Leaders that my boss leads.  He's a really big shot,  I'm just a normal sized big shot. 

We are here:
GENTLY SPARKLING water.  I can't even begin to tell you how much that full on sparkling water grinds my gears.
The Peninsula Chicago.  It's a super fancy schmancy hotel in the city. 

Now, I grew up having nice things and my dad worked really hard in order to take us on nice vacations and we stayed in fancy places and ate in fancy restaurants and we got to experience a lot of really high class stuff, for which I'm grateful.

HOWEVER,  when I became a classy drunk, I became homeless and desperate and lived in a public park for the better part of a year.  So I feel safe in saying that I've lived the extremes.  I know we had more than most growing up.  I also know I had less than nothing as an adult, and now am somewhere in the middle where I am more than comfortable, and so grateful for everything I have.   I talk about gratitude a lot. Because I never take any of my life for granted.  Not for one second.  

ahem ahem ahem.
I have had a team of 5 people waiting hand and foot on my ass for 2 days.  There is one dude, who literally hustles up these stairs at least 3 times an hour.  He is constantly sweating.  He is awesome.  He says, "I love my job!"  with a big grin on his face every time he gets to the top of the stairs as he looks at me and the least I can do is give him a big grin back.  

The guys here at the meeting are all big shots in their particular part of the world, and we are kind of like my favorite ride, IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL ride.  Did I ever tell you about the time I saw Sir Paul McCartney on that ride?  I did?  Oh well, never mind then. 

I love my job, that is no secret.  I love my boss.  That is the key.  But some of these other dudes are fascinating.  I watch them come out each break to get on their phones, run down the stairs and pace back and forth to make their important calls, some in other languages and all very very URGENT. 

My boss comes out and chats with me and has some of my macadamia nuts here on my little desk the entire time.  DAMN YOU MACADAMIA NUTS AND YOUR DELICIOUSNESS DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL.

and these chocolate rock candies:

that are EVERYWHERE.

These guys at this meeting infuriate me and make me sad at the same time.  I have a soft spot for them because my dad was a business man who travelled all the time and worked really really hard to provide such a good life for his family.  But he was rarely home.  And I see these guys doing the same thing.  Some are so sweet and crazy about their kids, it melts your heart.  They want to show me pictures and tell me all about soccer and mathletics and Jimmy getting his driver's license.  Other guys are just all business.  They don't have a chink in their armor.  I can respect that.  I am that way a lot of the time too.  I don't show my cards.  If someone sees my phone with the picture of Eliza and Sally and a Christopher on it, I don't give away that they are my most favoritest creatures on the planet.  I almost don't give away how fucking desperate we are to have a baby because everyone asks and then it gets uncomfortable. I don't give away that I drink diet coke with lime instead of wine at dinner like everyone else in the room.  That I walk out to the ladies room and suck on my ecig for a moment of grace and sanity and serenity among the craziness that is just another dinner for most of them.  I guess what it comes down to is I love my job, but I am not OF my job. 

I have learned much in my 10 years here.  I don't have to fight every battle. I wrote about that here.

I can appreciate and see these people for more than what they project as an image.  My husband would say I probably give them more credit than they deserve, and maybe I do, but life is a lot easier that way.  And isn't that the goal?  Life is hard enough.  We can all cut each other a break.  Sigh.  Can you feel that?  Maybe it's all the pampering and delicious food I've eaten the past two days, but damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.  Wait.  What I mean is it feels good to just go through my days lately without the anxiety and the justified anger I used to carry around like a lead weight.  Without the need for the constant defending of myself and what I think you need to know about me.  To just exist feels pretty damn liberating.  To feel confident about who I am and the work I do is gratifying.  I've worked hard to get here.  Yeah sure, FIGHT THE POWER and DOWN WITH THE CORPORATIONS and all that, but really?  Thank you for my job and my paycheck and my benefits.  I don't need to fight this anymore.  It is so much more gratifying to accept it and be thankful for all I have been given.

All of this is to say, I am no big shot.  I don't want to be a big shot. It tickles me to say I'm a big shot because I am a tiny little cog in the machine.  And that suits me just fine today. 

I save my fabulousness for my real life. 


  1. Perfect example of being content with yourself makes you capable of loving other people. Bravo :)

  2. "Without the need for the constant defending of myself and what I think you need to know about me."
    I love this. It's so liberating, isn't it? Besides, I've found that nobody's really that interested anyway. Nobody cares that you're drinking diet Coke with lime or wonders why you went to the restroom. Most of us are too self-absorbed to notice much going on with anyone else. But that brings us back to your statement, doesn't it?

    Great post, Katy. You are, indeed, fabulous.

    1. <3 this. Soo wish I can get to that place. U r fabulous Katy the kind of fab I strive to b. : ) I am not a good writer and I always feel like u say the things with the big words exactly how I wud.

  3. YOU are AWESOME. And an inspiration to others!

  4. I found this to be very inspiring! Thank You! Sheila

  5. You are kind. You are smart. You are IMPORTANT. Big shot or not, you are. Just keep remembering that. Loved this!! :0)

  6. Thanks everybody! Gratitude abounds for all of you. Except the marry me dude. I got a great husband;). Thanks though.

  7. you go girl! you've earned it and that picture of you up top is so fun... made me chuckle!

    "I don't have to fight every battle." ah... sigh... isn't it such a relief!?

  8. Gratitude is the greatest measure of happiness. I'm so glad you share yours with all of us. :-)

  9. I strive for what you have.... not materials or hubby or kitties... but the peace, the serenity, the "this is good enough"....

    You keep me going. You and my meetings and my sponsor and the hard work.... All parts of recovery that can be suckie and amazing at the same time.

    Thanks for being the amazing part. *smooches* from me and Piggy.....

  10. Oh my dear Katy, you are so wonderful and yes, you should be every bit content with you. My heart aches at the thought of you living in a park, outside, being homeless and then it leaps for joy at the love you have found, your perfect little creatures and what an amazing mother you will be. How all that stuff gives you such great perspective and that has made you such a dear person. Sending big hugs, I love this post, so much in one place to learn and know about you. Thank you. xoxo

  11. I'm happy you're in a happy place!!! Keep keepin' it real! : )

  12. There is nothing better than being totally comfortable with who you are. Beautiful words from a beautiful soul. ~Andrea

  13. This is one of those classic Dumpster posts that I read through a couple of times and marvel at how thoughtful you are, and then I have nothing to say. XO

  14. This made me cry - especially the part about defending yourself. I have been reassured that I am not alone.

  15. This made me cry - especially the part about defending yourself. That made me realize I am not alone or crazy.

  16. Those chocolate rock candies look AMAZING.

  17. You are so very, very lovely. I used to walk in the hallways of a bigfirm and traveled with lawyers and businessmen like you described. I did not enjoy it very much and I don't miss those days but I sure was grateful for the generous paychecks I received twice a month!


  18. I love you. Man oh man, those choocolate rocks looked delicious and the gently sparkling water? Oh my Geez! I am going through similar stuff now. Trying to quit cigarettes, bought an e-cig setup but I burned my lip on it the other day and now I am kind of scared of it. Bought some more real cigarettes this morning. :( I am definitely cutting down on the smokes. I love to have them with my coffee though. Coffee+cigarettes=delicious-relaxing-time-for-me. I will keep on one day at a time lady. Thanks for all you do for all of us.