Tuesday, March 13, 2012

That Drowning Feeling

That feeling that is overwhelming of too much to do and too much to pay for and too much for your body to endure.  Work is overwhelming.  Trying to have a baby is overwhelming.  That drowning feeling.  That feeling of being SO GODDAMN SOBER.  I don't want to drink.  But being this sober, all the god damn time is a bit much. That release and feeling like nothing mattered at all, that is what I crave for about 5 seconds. 

A nice Irish Whiskey sounds so lovely.  And then, I remember.  I play the tape out.  I know that one drink for me leads to a cheap gallon of vodka.  And losing control.  And losing EVERYTHING.  My home, my husband, my job, my cats, most of all my self respect.  And I lose it all QUICKLY.  I cannot afford this luxurious thinking that I can have a nice Irish Whiskey.  I can have the thought, but I have to play it all out.  I've learned this.  I do it all the time.  And it works. 

I am grateful I am sober.  More grateful for that one fact than anything else in my life.  Without sobriety, I have no life.  I would be dead or worse.  Hospitals, Institutions or Death.  Death would be easy.  The other two are hell on earth.  I've been there.  Jails and looney bins.  No place for a nice girl like me.  And yet, there I was time and time again. 

So yes, I am so grateful.  But there are some days when it seems overwhelming to just live life on life's terms.  I can't figure out the answers.  I don't know the questions.  I cannot do every single thing I want and need to do immediately and perfectly.  These are High Class Problems.  These are not the problems of a blackout drunk who doesn't know how she wound up in jail, in detox, in the psych award, yet again. 

This is the good life.  I am reminding myself as much as anyone reading this.  Life is so good when I have a choice.  Before I got sober, I had no choice.  I had to drink.  I had to maintain.  I have to self medicate.  Now, I get to live.  I get to choose what I want.  That doesn't mean I always get what I want.  In fact, it's about 50/50.  But I have some say in how I handle the outcome. 

When I feel this way now, I go to a meeting.  I talk to other Alcoholics.  I talk to my husband.  I talk to my family. I do my own version of praying to a Higher Power for wisdom and patience and guidance.  Above all, I reach out and help someone else.  That is the key.  HELPING SOMEONE ELSE.  And, simple as those things seem, they work.  Over and over and over.  They work.

21 comments:

  1. Oh my. You knew I was going to say I identify with this right? Big hugs to you. I look up to you and draw much inspiration from you, and I love you. Way to hang tough sister. I know these days of which you write; I recognize that perfectionist instinct and search for a moment of release . . . and then I know, like you, what follows, and it isn't pretty.

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  2. Oh girl, same same.....

    Last night on the tellie a woman was sitting with a glass of wine in front of her, as she lounged on the couch... and the beauty surrounding her was 'made complete' by that glass of red substance in that sexy container... just waiting for my lips to be touching it.

    *SCREEEEEECH!!!!!!!......*

    Halted by the tape being played out completely. And it took me some moments of *ARGHGAWDAMNITF*CKSH*T* before I was able to play it ALL THE WAY OUT of the romance stage.

    Thanks for letting me know it still happens to someone else. :o/

    Me loves you. Me truly does. Me needs to hit a meeting at noon. lol

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  3. Simply beautiful. Your feelings, your writing, YOU. I can't thank you enough for sharing these thoughts with us. Yesterday was SO chaotic for me. By 10 a.m. I was ready to pull my hair out. By noon, I heard myself saying, "Are you freakin' kidding me with this shit?" when another thing took a turn for the worse at work. By 2 p.m., I was laughing at the ridiculousness of they day and how just about everything that COULD go wrong, did.

    You know what helped me get through it? YOU. I read your facebook posts, reread one of your blog posts, and remembered how lucky you are that you can have a nooner when you need to. All this stuff made it easier to breathe and made my laugh sound a little less psychotic, and a little more genuine.

    I was a Jack Daniels girl for years. When I start to miss him, it's usually because I miss the irresponsibility of being a drunk. Like you said, even just a few minutes of "that feeling" would be SO nice. Luckily, I too have learned to play that tape all the way through. The end is NEVER happily ever after.

    I'd tell you how much I love love love you again, but I don't want to be responsible for any ego inflation. Gotta keep ourselves humble. :-) lol

    smooches!

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  4. I only know you from a far as we have a common friend. But I too struggle as you do, coming up on two years sober and those thoughts flood my mind a lot. I romance it, play with it, do the "what if's" a lot and in the end, after the tape plays...I realize I deserve a great life, free from the chaos and the binds that my alcoholism brought me to. Thank God for doing for me what I could not do for myself! Everyday, all day, sometimes that's all I can hold on to....Thanks for sharing our thoughts OUT LOUD!

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  5. Love it, doll face - and adore you.

    I was, just a bit ago, being a whiny little snit over problems that could be a whole *bleep*-all lot worse. You gave me a bit of perspective. Thanks. :-)

    xo

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  6. Thank you for this <3

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  7. thanks to a couple'a drunks 75 years ago, we no longer have to live our lives in constant battle with ourselves... we know what to do when we have 'days like this...' with my own version of my higher power as my guide, i can live my life as an active participant and not as the asinine fool who cared only for her own wants and needs... thank you much for your inspiration... most days your words are exactly what i needed to hear at the time i needed to hear them...

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  8. Your blog is my church because I know I'm going to come here and think and reflect for a little bit. Also, I love that you remind me of what my husband is going through on a daily basis, but we don't discuss all the time anymore- it's a reminder of how he's thinking and the decisions he is making constantly.

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  9. Your an amazing inspiration to many of us. Thanks for being "you" :)

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  10. Your strength is simply amazing...YOU are amazing. I know that I don't know you personally but I've learned so much through your writing. You're quite an inspirational person...even on days when you're not sure you're making a difference. You are.

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  11. Although not an alcoholic, I have the same relationship with food. One moment of eating the food that gave me a heart attack and I would be back to overeating and have another one. It is all or nothing and I have to choose nothing. You are very strong and I admire you for it! Hang in there and I hope for you a better day tomorrow!!

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  12. This was my day yesterday. I just want that 5-minute switch where I can just check out for a few. But I wouldn't stop there, and thinking it through is the best way to remember that.

    Don't be hard on yourself, make sure you're not Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. And if you are, take care of it and get to a meeting and help another alcoholic.
    And know that this too shall pass.

    Today was a better day for me, and I know tomorrow will be better for you too.

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  13. This is so awesome. I can't imagine how that feels. I have a brother who suffers from addiction. It has been THE most painful thing in our family. Nearly 12 years of watching him slowly deteriorate and we are powerless to stop this. Stories like yours give me hope that one day he'll come out of this affliction alive. Thank you for sharing!

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  14. Reaching out to others is my most effective form of coping. Take the focus off of me, minimize my issues, help someone else. Everyone wins.

    I'm so glad you've found what works for you. :-)

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  15. I needed to read this tonight... thank you for sharing I admire you for you openness.

    ..."that drowning feeling" sigh. deep breath. I thought it would go away... not exactly sure where I thought it would go.I am grateful, like you said, for having the ability to think it all the way through.

    This is exactly the reminder I needed. thank you. hugs

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  16. Oh Katy, I want to give you a big giant hug. You are so strong and none of us really know how to navigate it all at the same time as trying to have it all. One breath at a time. I am so glad you know the drill and as you once said to me, you choose each day, and choose each moment to keep your life as you know it now. Big love and huge beautiful lady....keep choosing. Xoxo

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  17. WOW! Just WOW. I love this, pure and simple, love it.

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  18. Noticed in your bio you are sober and still smoking. I got clean and sober over 25 years ago, and kicking the cigs is the hardest thing ever. Not to mention the expense. I was smoking these strange cigar-like cigarettes, Cheyenne's, that I got at the Mexican bodega for $2 a pack, but the city just raised tobacco taxes. My friend just turned me on to this tobacco shop here where you can select your own tobacco and they have a machine roll the carton for you for $40. And the tobacco is clear of all chemicals. The smell seems much lighter too. I know I probably sound like one of those people who troll blogs to post ads, but I'm not. I'm trying to quit, and I really think the chemicals in regular cigarettes addict me much harder than normal tobacco, so I'm hoping it will be easier to quit after smoking these for a while and detoxing from the chemicals in regular cigs. Still, having given up the other substances I was addicted to, I'm not gonna kick myself about smoking. Oh the store is on Kedzie and Armitage . . .there's a big video store there (yes it still says "video" on the building) . . . with lots of dvds to rent, and the tobacco shop is inside that store. Not a raunchy place. Very nice, and nice people running it. Enjoyed your post.

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  19. If I could find a "like" button, I would be clicking that right now. Good post!

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  20. Good to know the things that work for you - life can be overwhelming. Keep finding those things that work! (And thanks for reminding those of us that are able to enjoy a good shot of whiskey without it tipping the balance that we are lucky!)

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