Thursday, March 8, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 30

Show me an American woman who does not have body issues of some kind and I will show you a Unicorn.

I'm always a bit wary of posting about losing weight as it seems to have a backlash.  And honestly, I'm one of the people who would lash out about someone bragging about losing weight if I felt bad about myself.  So what to do, what to do?

I don't work out every day and I don't eat completely well every day. I do try to be awesome every day though.
I have done the work, so I am going to say what I love today is feeling proud of myself.  To quote that little kid in the video who was so proud of himself, "I feel happy on myself!"

It's not about a number on a scale, it's not about being able to fit into a certain size.  It's about feeling good and healthy.  I still over eat sometimes, but I manage it better.  I am not taking a pill, I am not starving myself.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I AM NOT TAKING A SHORTCUT.  I am simply eating well and doing moderate exercise, and guess what?  All that bullshit about exercise and eating well making you feel better?  WELL GOD DAMMIT IT IS TRUE. 

Mentally, this is huge for me.  As a fat kid, I had issues from the very beginning.  My mom (who has always been thin, but has food issues as well) would ask me, "Do you really need to eat that?" about everything I put in my mouth.  And she did it from love and wanting me to be healthy, but I still hear it.  Add that to about a million other voices over the years telling me I'm not good enough because I had extra weight.  The voices are still there, still telling me that I don't have breasts, I just have fat.  That I don't matter unless my stomach is flatter.  That my huge thighs will never ever look good in a pair of jeans.  That's why I wear dresses all the time.  That voice never really goes away.  But I can choose to not listen to it, or look at the facts and say, but I DO like the way I look - and more importantly - feel, today.  So I win today.  I WIN MOTHERFUCKERS.

I snuck food from when I was really little until about last summer.  My mom gave me wheat germ and carob and all natural nonsense and I snuck to the neighbors house and ate their sugar cereal.  I snuck junk food from the vending machines at the ice rink when I skated all those years.  The shame of that is something I never ever wanted to talk about.  It was easy for me to admit I snuck booze because I admitted I was an alcoholic.  But admitting to sneaking food is just degrading to me.  How screwed up is that?  I can admit to sneaking booze, but not food.  Because I was still engaged in the behavior of sneaking food until relatively recently.  I take away the power of the secret by admitting it.  Ah yes.  You would think after 10 years of 12 Stepping I would get this shit.  I need to be hit over the head many times before I change.  This food and being healthy thing was no different.  Sure I was vegetarian for 20 years, but that was completely about not wanting to eat animals, not about my health. 

Being able to fit into clothes that a year ago I couldn't fit into is just affirming that I am doing something right.  The vanity driven side of  me loves that feeling of being able to buy smaller clothes and having people tell me I look great.  The softer, more vulnerable side thinks, "Oh my god, I must have been disgusting before."  I've been wanting a baby for the better part of 3 years and it got the best of me.  I didn't focus on myself at all, just the wanting to get pregnant.  

Last June, I made the decision that I wasn't going to let everything pass me by.  I worked with my trainer and friend, who I will always credit with starting this whole process, and she got me going. 

It's true what they say, once you get going, it just gets easier.   I don't work out a lot, I don't always eat right, but I do try to be awesome every day.  I want everything in my life to be driven by wanting to be better.  And I needed to put down the self pity and the fear and the ICE CREAM - MY GOD THE ICE CREAM I HAVE EATEN - in order to do that. 

We women help each other out by inspiring each other to be better.  To be kinder to each other and more accepting.  By not giving the head to toe scan when we greet each other.  It's fun to be fashionable and pay attention to what makes us feel good physically.  The smile is what we all should be focusing on.  The great big smile of confidence we can beam at each other.  But it really all starts inside and it's such a metaphor for living a spiritual life.  You have a good center, a good solid core, and it reflects on the outside - TO the outside.  It infects everything and everyone in your life.  Just as having a negative core, or no solid center can infect everything around you in a negative way.

I LOVE that I know without a doubt that being skinny does not equal being happy.  When I was at my bottom from drinking, I weighed 110 pounds and was homeless, broke and drunk.  The saddest I've ever been.  And yet, I loved how thin I was.  I thought for a long time, why did I quit drinking just to gain weight?  Well, I know now that getting sober is the single greatest accomplishment I will ever achieve and that staying sober means being healthy inside and out.  Including not being skinny, but being healthy. 

I LOVE feeling good. I LOVE that I know how to quiet that still small voice in my head and heart that tells me I'm not good enough. Because I am good enough. And I want to be better.

I don't strive for happiness.  I strive for living honestly and happiness comes as a by-product. 


  1. You know I love and adore the pants off ya....and you are inspiring. You inspire me everyday.

    I'm proud of your weight loss too. I also know, thanks to you and a few others, that I too can get there. I do not mind the hard work....I look forward to the clothes in my closet that I have saved. Like your orange dress.

    Keep rocking it girlie..."we got this".

  2. "I don't strive for happiness. I strive for living honestly and happiness comes as a by-product."

    I love this. Nice post, Katy!

  3. Damn it, Katy, you're gonna make me cry! This is some good shit. I, too, have had MAJOR food issues. I used to sneak chips and soda into my room as a kid after hitting the pool for swim practice (hooray for veniding machines!). I used to stop for fast food at least once a day and eat it in the car so I could avoid the judgey "Fries again?!" looks. During my first pregnancy I gained 60 pounds because I used that as an excuse to eat all the crap I could shovel into my mouth. During my second pregnancy it finally hit me that I'd probably feel less like Jabba the Hut if I stopped eating so much junk and got off my ass. I'm happy to say now (4 months after giving birth to my third) that I'm healthier than ever and actually wearing the same pants size that I wore in high school! Nice to know I'm not the only one that has to tell the nagging voice in the back of my head to shut up, though. Long story short, thanks for putting yourself out there and making people like me realize that we're not alone. *hug*

  4. I just adore you...good for you and keep at it, girl. And why IS ice cream such a damn temptress?? Help me understand. To this day if my husband gives an extended glance at my plate or bowl when i walk into a room I unleash on him. Is that unhealthy?? Too many years of my dad commenting on every damn thing I ate. Sigh...I keep tryin'.

  5. I LOLOL'ed at the first sentence, kept reading, and sighed at the last sentence. For whatever reason, I'm finally in an exercise routine and not just because of my body image- it's for my health. That feels so good to say.

  6. How am I supposed to keep my heart cold and black when you write things like this that make me cry? If you keep this up, my secret will be out. The secret that I HAVE a heart and sensitive alcoholic feelings. My love for you knows no bounds. I relate to you on so many levels and am inspired by you. You also make me laugh like hell. I mean, how can "I WIN MOTHERFUCKERS!" not make me laugh?

    The courage you have to let these things out gives me strength to look at myself. You have given me the power (or at least shown me the way - cause we all know that an alcoholic with power is a recipe for disaster) to look at my own demons and draw funny faces on them. They're not the terrifying demons that I refuse to acknowledge any more. Now they're just weirdos that need to be addressed and dealt with and I can do that. :-)

    Luv you Miss Katy!

  7. So AWESOME that you are AWESOME! Loved this post... I too feel the pain of dieting or eating right and healthy and all that crap. Everyone is "winning motherfuckers!" Every damn one of us...fuck the voices.

  8. Is it totally self serving for me to share a bit here about my journey? After all, you were a huge part of that inspiration, and if it weren't for you I might have just kept accepting the status quo not realizing...

    You and my other friend Roo, I see you guys kicking ass, getting skinny, and mostly oozing awesomeness out of every pore, how could anyone not be completely swept up in your success? KMM, you look fucking fabulous, and it's so easy to see it comes from the inside out.

    So I says to myself, "Self, KMM looks AWESOME, Roo looks AWESOME, you gotta get your ass in gear and you shall look AWESOME too!" At the end of Dec '11 I decided it was time and started counting calories like a MF'er and working out more religiously than I ever had in my "naturally thin as a rail" life. Every week I would go to the scale, eyes bright with anticipation....get on, look down and BAM! What, what?? I gained another godforsaken pound? How can that be???
    -Buy a new scale-
    OK digital scale, show my ancient turny dial scale the error of its ways....
    OMG, no, I gained TWO pounds???
    W. T. F.

    This went on until, well, now.

    Being the smart bitch that I am, I finally decided there must be something wrong, so I went to the doctor. duh. I am currently under suspicion of having insulin resistance at the ancient age of 38 along with a dash of thyroid disease.
    Can I get another W. T. F.????

    My point is, if I hadn't tried to stoke my awesomeness per your prescription I never would have discovered this stuff was going on with my body, god knows how bad it would have gotten before I thought to do something about it.

    So thank you darling for being so fucking AWESOME and inspiring me, I really do owe you my health!


  9. 'Being able to fit into clothes that a year ago I couldn't fit into is just affirming that I am doing something right. The vanity driven side of me loves that feeling of being able to buy smaller clothes and having people tell me I look great. The softer, more vulnerable side thinks, "Oh my god, I must have been disgusting before." '

    omg girl, i feel like icould have written those words myself!! you really are an inspiration!!

  10. Good job girl! Love your blog and your posts.

  11. oh my... your words just bopped me in the denial! "I LOVE that I know without a doubt that being skinny does not equal being happy. When I was at my bottom from drinking, I weighed 110 pounds and was homeless, broke and drunk. The saddest I've ever been. And yet, I loved how thin I was."

    Growing up my parents had such a fear of fat that it pretty much dictated everything... "portion control" was big around my house.

    I am just now reaching the beginning stages of examining my food issues, living healthier for healthy sake and not for vanity purposes... I loved what you said "I LOVE that I know how to quiet that still small voice in my head and heart that tells me I'm not good enough." you are such an inspiration. I am so glad that you opened up and shared this. I am happy for you and proud of you too!

  12. One good thing about overcoming alcohol or drug addiction is once you make up your mind and get there, you can remove yourself from the substance and the people who do it (mostly), but with food addiction notsomuch. I am at my fork in the road, I have GOT to find my relationship with food and quick cause the one I have now aint working out for me. I love this post and will now follow your blog. Mad love!

  13. The "head to toe scan" - why do we do that?? I ran into a friend last weekend, and she gave me the scan, then focused on the bangs. She's a hairdresser, and the more she focused the more unhinged I got. I'm 48, sober, and still so damn insecure. I got tears in my eyes just reading that sentence.

  14. I've never met you but I am so proud of you. <3

  15. As for the people with food issues, there are 12 step programs for food addiction. THey work just fine.

  16. Just like everything else in life, the search always continues for balance. It's nice to reach that balance with food/exercise - but often that can't come before balance emotionally.

  17. Oh Kablam! Katy, you did it AGAIN! Speaking to my soul, like you do. What? Do you have a magic eight ball: "blog about being awesome and happy with what you are, Rebecca needs a kick in the pants". Seriously. That's what your eight ball told you today, huh? I'm still working on my whole, 'not self loathing because of my fleshy thighs and wobbly tummy'. But I'm getting there! oxoxo