Thursday, May 10, 2012

Things I Love Thursday - Part 37

This Thursday leading into Mother's Day, where the timing couldn't be worse or more anxiety ridden, where my every thought and hope and prayer is resting on what happens tomorrow in that blood test and then the next weeks after that, I choose hope. 

This is the last post you will see of mine before I go for a preliminary blood test to see if I am pregnant or not. I am not going to post about it here or on the Facebook page right away. I KNOW YOU WILL RESPECT THAT DECISION.  All in due time, I will share with you when I feel safe doing so.  In the meantime, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for each message and prayer and thought you've given my husband and I.  And by all means, KEEP THEM COMING!

What I love this Thursday is just being present.  Being able to fully participate in this gut wrenching time in my life with my husband.  Who has shown me courage I didn't know he had, going through this with me.  He has shown confidence and love and patience and kindness toward me that, if possible, has made me love him even more.  As awful as this in-vitro process has been at times, it's been an incredible bonding experience for us.  I don't recommend it to anyone as a marriage enhancer, but, for us, it became a positive.  

Being sober, BEING PRESENT, is the thing that means the very most to me because as I always say, without it, I have nothing.  I know there are mothers out there struggling with sobriety.  I know there are kids (and that can mean adult kids too) out there watching their mothers who are sick and struggling and are so hurt because their addiction is so much more important to them than you are.  To you kids I say, it isn't.  I promise.  Almost every mom I meet has expressed to me that they love their kids and would do anything for them, they just can't stop drinking.  Which of course makes the cycle all that much worse.  They would give ANYTHING if their kids never had to see them using.  I have no defense for that, I am simply saying this thing is so strong, it takes over even what you love the most, namely, your kids.  It takes down entire families.  I see it every day. 

Becoming an alcoholic was not in my life plan.  I KNOW, SHOCKING.  And yet, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I never would be where I am and have the life I do if I hadn't become an alcoholic and then gotten sober.  I am profoundly grateful that I got the gift of sobriety before I had a child.  I don't know why I got it when I did and so many others don't.  That is not my burden to understand or explain, I just need to hold on for dear life and continue to carry the message.  If I keep doing my part, my child will never have to see me drunk, dead or worse.  My child will see me fully present.  Fully sober and there.  IF I KEEP DOING THE NEXT RIGHT THING.

I know that I have an army of support here.  I know that in my real life Chris and I have so many people praying and hoping and dreaming and wishing and sending me such loving energy and I can feel it.   All of you who have walked this path before us, I salute you.  Those going through it right now, much respect and love.  And find something to laugh about - QUICKLY! 

I have said to you many many times, Everything will be alright.  Either way, we are good.  We are great.  We have all we need and want.  A baby would just be icing on the cake. 

My husband and I are united and WE CHOOSE HOPE.  What could POSSIBLY be better than that?



Now, a genuinely warm and loving Happy Mother's Day to all of you incredible mamas out there.  I love you for what you do and the love and kindness you've shown me.  Those are some damn lucky kids that you have. 

And to my own little Mama -

 
who I wrote a guest post about that just about did me in, I love her so much - stay tuned for that one down the road......
 
My dear amazing Mother-in-Law -  

who raised an incredible man in my husband and is so kind to me, it's astounding.....

and my Sister-in-Law Julie -

who is rasing three incredible kids with a fourth on the way - I am in awe of you and how you do it.   And I really like you too.  That's the best part.   

And lastly,  to Mary Tyler Mom, and this post she wrote, that inspired this post.  She talks about the other side of Mother's Day, and the people we have lost, or never even met, in all kinds of ways.  There is a lot of hurt out there on Mother's Day.  She has the courage and the grace I aspire to. 
And she ALWAYS chooses hope.

To all of you amazing women, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!   

37 comments:

  1. Oh, for the love of all that is holy...Sobbing, trying to type. I cannot wait to have my girls read this. You say what I cannot choke out about being a drunk mom. I am glad to be sober NOW...and will die regretting the time I've missed with them being so terribly fucked up and sick. Thank you.

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  2. With each post you write, I fall more in love with you (not in a creepy way, mind you). You are a very strong woman, and I am so blessed to be able to follow you on your journey, and glean some of the hope you radiate.

    Good luck tomorrow; can't wait to hear how it goes. Either way, it's how it's meant to be in this moment.

    XOXO,
    —OS

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  3. I continue to pray for you in your journey. No matter how things go...we are your army of support. And it continues to build...I know since I've been sharing your story with others & they are in on supporting you, too. You've already inspired me by overcoming your adversity & you know that. Know you are continually loved. Your journey thru life is bringing hope for many out there. Love, hugs, kisses & support from this end, my dear. Keep it up. And if nothing happens this time, don't give up.

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  4. Katy, I have so many prayers headed your way! Stay strong. Keep the faith & the hope!

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  5. To you, Miss Katy, you are simply awesome

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  6. this is why we ♥ you...and my TILT is all of these wonderful blogs i've connected with

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  7. Very beautiful. Hugs and good vibes your way.

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  8. :) ok, so that's why you haven't responded to my "when do we find outs?" totally understand. Me and the wifey will be testing on the 24th. I pray that you post again asap with all the best news possible that your HP, even if it's just being sober, could give you. You deserve all the love and light you get because you put it out there for others on a daily basis! I for one can say I love ya bunches! And....no matter the results, you are a "mother" that deserves to be recognized on mother's day. You've put so much love, devotion and support into a baby that may or may not even exist. THAT MY FRIEND IS A MOTHER'S LOVE.

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    1. Good luck to both of you! It's so exciting! xo

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    2. Thank you! You are precious!

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  9. You are a beautiful soul. (I am sitting here crying at my desk. GOD!)

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  10. Good grief, Katy. You are incredible. Good luck tomorrow. Know that all of your 'Divers' are pulling for ya! xoxo

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  11. What an incredible story prayers for you and ur husband...
    ~ Cissy

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  12. Crying now!!! You are so awesome! I am thinking, and praying, and sending SOOOOO many positive thoughts your way tomorrow:) You are such an inspiration!

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  13. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. For your humility, grace and beauty. In your story there are pieces of each of us and by telling your story you touch all of our lives immeasurably.

    I send you multitudes of blessings and no matter what. We will be here when you come back.

    I love you!

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  14. I know that YOU know that your adventure is just beginning and you are by no means "finished" with any aspect, but if you do nothing else for the rest of your life, you have accomplished SO MUCH MORE than most people ever will. You have saved lives. You've repaired broken ones. And all with such eloquence and power. I am so immensely grateful to witness the shiny sparkly salvation you bring. Thank you most profoundly.

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  15. You take it and you put it in your pocket and you keep it just for you for however long you need to. Anyone who's been there will completely understand. xoxo

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  16. Good golly woman....so well written. I love you, as I have told you many times. And am tankful I found you. You are amazing

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  17. I'm sending many good vibes your way this morning! Great read thanks for sharing!

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  18. Good Lord Lady! You can't make me cry at work! I am one of the kids where drinking tore my mom from me. I know she loves me, but the booze has a hold on her. Hoping she will come around someday. Powerful post, Thank you

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  19. You are so beautiful, inside and out.

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  20. I know I tell you I love you all the time, but there are no other words to express how I feel. Over the last year I have been so fortunate to get to know you. It probably sounds cheesy, but you really DID come into my life when I needed you. I had relapsed after 6 years of sobriety and couldn't feel much lower than I did and some how I stumbled upon this blog and found just what I needed - a strong sober woman who is so funny and so loving and so absolutely grateful for everything she has. She's also super cute and a vegan (but she's not a dick about it). And above all else, she chooses hope. HOPE.

    You choose hope and you give hope. You give hope to people like me. You let us see your vulnerable side while laughing about your cold, black heart. They tell us to look around and find someone who has what you want and do what they do and you'll get it. Since I've "met" you, you've shown me how to remember to be grateful for everything. The things I have and the things I don't. And choose hope. Hope has never been easy for me, but now when I think of hope, I see your smiling face. The amazing part of all of this is the same thing that amazes me every day in the program - there is no earthly reason for us to have crossed paths, but I'm so grateful that we have. The best part about it is we didn't even have to try. We suited up, showed up, and did the next right thing, and everything else fell into place as it should.

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  21. My mascara would be running if I had any on. I love you.

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  22. Good Luck tomorrow! I too remember how nerve-wracking waiting for that phone call is. Many of my friends peed on a stick just prior to the blood test. I did not.....because I wanted to pretend I was pregnant for as long as was humanly possible.

    Sorry I'm taking the chicken-shit way out and calling myself Anonymous, but in order for me to get pregnant, I had to go the donor egg route. Not that it was bad, mind you, but this is a VERY personal decision, and I must protect myself as well as the identity of my MOST AWESOME son :-). So...if you end up having to do it the way I had to do it, know that it's okay.

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  23. I wish you everything...everything that you hope for, want, and need! My Mom was an alcohic and I can't tell you how much more your children will have of you than I did of my Mother. She loved us...she just wasn't always present , kind, or rational. she missed so much of the wonder of watching children grow and fly...you will have that.

    I had a melanoma when I was 26 and was told that the odds were 50/50 that I would be alive in five years...and that I couldn't have a baby as they didn't know how pregnancy hormones would affect a recurrance. When I was finally allowed to try and become pregnant...no such luck. One miscarriage and then nothing. Right at that time, one of my best friends, who is a family practicioner, had a pregnant young girl walk into his office and tell him that, as much as she loved her baby, she could not care for it and she wanted him to help her find a wonderful adoptive family. He told her that he knew the perfect couple...that he would want his children raised by them if he was not around (we were their kid's godparents). This is how my amazing son entered my life...hope and prayers followed by great joy. A few years later, with the help of fertility drugs, I carried my daughter. Thirty two years have passed and I choose hope and count my blessings every day. Your dreams will be fulfilled, sometimes in slightly different ways than you imagine. I choose hope for you too!

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  24. Sending you all the peace and love the Universe and surrounding Universes have to offer... and a special bullie hug to you, not just for tomorrow or Sunday, but forever.

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  25. Every Thursday, I can count on two things: a good cry, and a reminder of how lucky I am in so many ways. I hope that you get your icing, because cake is great, but icing makes it that much sweeter.

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  26. You know how I feel. I've told you from day one. I love you and that crazy man of yers so very much. Once again, praying for you. Xoxo. Chunk

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  27. I'm always praying that you get a healthy, beautiful baby. I have 2 and feel so grateful for them. My son is autistic and my daughter nt and I wouldn't change them for a single thing in this world.

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  28. You and your husband are in my prayers: wishing you peace, comfort and love! Most of all I hope that you get exactly what you've asked for ~in the mean-time I'm sending lots of positive vibes your way!

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  29. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, you wonderful woman.

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  30. Sorry I'm late, but I wanted to say I love you, Katy, and am thinking of you. xoxo You rock, lady!

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  31. I'm thinking of you and wishing you and your husband all the best on this journey. A friend of mine is pregnant with her second baby via IVF however it was a difficult and trying journey to get there. I'm hopefuly for you.

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  32. Thanks for linking to this from today's TILT because I missed this one the first time around. Just want you to know that I am rooting and praying for you guys. Hoping for the best because you deserve it. I'm so glad to have met you in the blog world. You are an amazing and inspiring person.

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  33. Gahhhhd. This post seemed like FOREVER ago. And now you are a mommy <3 And you're going to be a lovely one at that. Wanna know why? Because you're a mommy that not only teaches about love and compassion and hope and understanding and happiness, but lives it as well. Those are the best kinds :)
    C*O*N*G*R*A*T*U*L*A*T*I*O*N*S Katy, DH, Eliza Jane, and Sally Boy!!! And welcome to the world Hall and Oates! xoxo, The Kosiba fam

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