People know about Postpartum Depression these days as many women experience this and it's more talked about. But this damn pre-natal pregnancy depression kicked me in the vagina and the head and the heart big time. My dear sweet Dumpster Husband sent me this article this morning that absolutely hit home as to what I was going through and and while I am on an upswing from now, it's still very relevant.
Not Just the Pregnancy Blues by Jessica Grose on Slate
I stopped all my meds in July 2011, the last one being Zoloft, as I was getting my body in prime baby baking shape. Now, that was hard to withdraw from, but I did it, and honestly, didn't have that much of a serious problem with anxiety or depression until I started the damn hormones and birth control pills they jacked me up on for In Vitro. It's a stronger dose than regular pills, and I had never been on the pill in my life, so this was all new to me.
I put myself through this, so I know it's my own fault. I've been on psych wards. NOT AS AN OBSERVER. You know what I'm saying? I am no stranger to mental health issues. I have a history here and I am aware of what healthy is for me and what it is not. I was not healthy going through IVF. I was fucked up. BUT, I also knew it would pass and hopefully the outcome would be worth it. Which, in our case, it absolutely is. But I feel I need to address it.
The pill made me fucking crazy. It made me seriously lethargic and depressed. As in, I didn't leave our apartment for about 3 months, unless it was going to work or something I absolutely had to do. And even then it was such a Herculean effort, that it took all my energy to just get my ass out of bed. I could barely go to the grocery store. I was miserable. It seems silly to say this about a pill that has done huge things for women through the years and I'm grateful for the pill but GOD DAMMIT, SCREW YOU PILL!
Even after I found out we were pregnant, we were just so nervous and I was in a funk about it. WHY? Because my chemical make up responded wackily to these drugs and to the hormones from then being pregnant.
Now that I'm in my 2nd trimester, the depression and lethargy have subsided. I see my friends and go out and do things. My friends that I kept saying, "NO NO NO NO NO" to everything they asked of me, I now say "yes" again and it feels good. I'm not encumbered by the hurt and the anxiousness I was engulfed in during those three months. When I'm smiling my big goofy ass smile, it's absolutely genuine and I'm not barking at people pretty much at all. All to say, I'm so god damned happy it's kind of sickening.
Anyone who says I am complaining when I should be the happiest woman in the world right now for being pregnant with twins, can kiss my white Irish arse. Everyone who reads my blog and knows me knows how OVER THE FUCKING MOON I AM. But this? This realization that I really got socked with something major and didn't even FULLY really realize it at the time, makes me think there have to be so many others out there who have gone through this, or are going through this as well.
The only reason I am able to write about this now with any kind of clarity is because I am climbing out of it. You see me smiling and laughing and that is doubly good because I am pregnant with miracle babies. Hope and Weird Science made these babies. This blog and writing and some very dear friends I've connected with through the internets and of course A.A. and my Dear Sweet Husband have helped me through this. Sometimes the most I could do was write. And I kept writing. And I kept being grateful. As miserable as I was, I was always grateful. That doesn't change. If it ever does change, we are in serious trouble. Everything else passes, gratitude just evolves. I'm so grateful I am not in that hole I was in even a few weeks ago. I also know I can go into a different hole as this pregnancy continues and even after I give birth. Being aware and able to talk about it is so very helpful.
|The happy is back! For now.|
Embrace ALL the feelings. Not just the shiny happy ones. That is the only way we are truly healthy. I have to feel the bad to feel the good. Embrace and deal with ALL THE FEELINGS. And just because they aren't fact, doesn't mean we don't need to deal with them in some way. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.