Do these car seats make my hips look big? I'm pretty sure they do, right? Well, since babies and baby shit (no pun intended) are my newest accessory it seems fitting that my hips don't lie. CUE SHAKIRA.
I am working this shit.
I love dressing up. No secret or shock there. I love high heels. That's not a confession either. The babies are almost 4 weeks old and I've found a way to dress and get out of the house ALMOST every day. Or to have people over to give me some kind of break and adult conversation. It's vital. It's important to me that I feel and look good in some small way every day. It seems vain, but it's all part of doing better every day. If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward. Online AA meetings are vital and saving my ragged ass. What did young moms do without online meetings? They are on my gratitude list for sure these days.
My babies have red lipstick all over them some days. Don't call the DCFS, It's from me kissing them with red lips. Well, maybe on Hall it's actual red lipstick, but you know, just a little bit. I CAN'T STOP KISSING THEM!
I whine-cried to my dear sweet dumpster husband this morning as I was feeding and pumping at once and he was leaving for work, "I WISH I WAS GOING TO WORK." I cried a little longer and then it passed and I'm back to smiling and being grateful. Always being GRATEFUL even underneath the TIRED AND THE FRUSTRATED and the COW-LIKE feelings I have right now. But we laugh. And we laugh and we realize how lucky we are. FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS! You can't feel the highs without the lows. And it's OK to feel sad or frustrated as long as I keep in mind, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And you know it always does.
Don't tell anyone, but some of my favorite moments are at 3am when DH gets up to feed one baby and I feed the other and we are half asleep but making each other laugh and encouraging each other and sometimes flying babies through the air because it is the ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE HER STOP CRYING and we share these moments that only he and I will know for the rest of our lives.
The fact that I used to be up at 3am riding the CTA trains DRUNK OUT OF MY MIND, by myself, in a blackout and not remembering how I got to the south side or back to the place I wound up in the morning is not lost on me. How I made it out of those situations relatively unharmed and alive is reason enough for me to believe I'm supposed to be here. Out of my stupors, I got another chance for this MUNDANE LIFE BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS. I get to live in this warm place that has my name attached to it, with paychecks and benefits that I earn and share this HOME - not just a a crash pad, as was my existence for years - a HOME with my dear sweet dumpster husband who really loves me and my two sweet dumpster babies. I mean, what in the world could be better than all that?
Nothing. Nothing in the world could be better than this normal, every day, mundane, poopy and bewbie filled life I've gotten myself into right now. And that, is what gets me up every damn morning. I AM LIVING THE DREAM. It's covered in bewbie milk, as is EVERYTHING right now, but it is such sweet bewbie milk, I couldn't be more grateful. Even through tears.