Sunday, February 10, 2013

Feeding Babies is My New Smoke Break

As I was covered in bewbie milk and actually looking out a window and really pondering life for the 8th time that day, I had an epiphany.

I wish I could credit whoever made this card, it's brilliant.  Thanks to Audra Jo for sending my way.


Also, it's been about a year since I quit smokes (read about it here).
and here - Journey to Quit Town.

So, two epiphanies really.

Anyway, as I was feeding two babies at once and looking out the window and wondering WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, KATY, and yet, ISN'T THIS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL?  It hit me.  I used to run outside to smoke and have these "deep thoughts" all the time.  

Here's how they are similar and how feeding babies has turned into my smoke break.

  1. I LOVE TO RUN AWAY.  Smoke breaks were PERFECT for that escape.  If I was getting uncomfortable or bored in a situation, I ran away to smoke.  Now I can't do that anymore, but I CAN run away and blame it on babies needing to be fed.  Perfect, right?  Who's gonna argue with babies needing to be fed?  A REAL JERK.  That's who.
  2. I always whipped out my bewbies while smoking.  What?  Don't everybody?
  3. My body is occupied with some magical transformation and crud while feeding babies.  Same as smoking.  JUST THE FEEDING IS ACTUALLY NOURISHING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.  The smoking, while glorious, was depleting my human beingness.
  4. Smoking cost a lot of money.  Feeding babies costs nada.  Zilch. Nothing.  Well, it costs how much food I put in my gullet, so yeah, nevermind.  I eat CONSTANTLY.
  5. Smoking kept me thin.  LIES!!!  I was all over the board with smoking, so I don't buy that.  I was super heavy and I was super thin.  Not until the past couple years would I consider myself "healthy".  Smoking didn't help me maintain my weight at all.  Now, feeding babies on the other hand, MY GODS I EAT WHATEVER I WANT AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT.  I'm only 10 pounds above my weight pre-pregnancy now and I haven't exercised at all (I hopefully get the ok from my doc about my c-section next week - HOORAY! Spinning classes here I come!).  In the meantime, curling car seats with fat babies in them while running up and down stairs, I guess that counts as exercise.   
  6. There is this social thing that happens when you are a smoker.  Those who smoke know what I am talking about.  I could go outside to smoke, ANYWHERE, and find somebody smoking and even if we didn't say a word, WE KNEW.  We knew we were feeding the need and getting a temporary reprieve from life and as that sweet sweet poison filled our lungs we were granted another short period of time where everything was manageable.
  7. I was granted time by myself while smoking.  So now, feeding babies, while they are TECHNICALLY SMALL LITTLE HUMANS, I am still by myself for that that time and it can become very meditative.  I contemplate deep shit, you guys.  Sometimes for real, and sometimes, just shit.  Babies make you think about shit. 
  8. I MISS SMOKING.  I miss it all the damn time.  Have I mentioned that?
  9. But I also firmly believe that even though it's not a mind altering drug like booze was for me, it really did limit my FEELING ALL THE FEELINGS.  It made me numb in some ways, and I don't accept that for myself any more.
  10. Babies will cry like crazy every 2 to three hours to be fed.  JUST LIKE THE BEAST THAT IS NICOTINE.
    I still heart this photo with the smoke in my mouth.  It's like my album cover from a period of time where I was wanting to quit so badly, and yet couldn't do it.  YET.  I was lost and wanting to be found.  Today I am Found.  Just for today.

    I won't ever judge a smoker or a drinker, as you know I'm a friend to users.  I am a user.  I am a drunk who doesn't drink today and a smoker who doesn't smoke today.  I can go back any time I want.   Just for today, I choose not to.  But those who do - RESPECT.  Users are not weak.  Users are strong.  We have to fight demons that non-users don't.  We are enemy number one.  And it's deadly.  We try to kill ourselves every day, and until we admit that to ourselves and knock that shit off, we keep getting closer and closer to actually doing it. 

    If and when you want to quit I can't tell you what to do or how to do it.  I can only tell you what I did, and it's not what works for everyone. ONE DAY AT A TIME. If you really want to drink or use or smoke tomorrow, you can.  But just for today, I choose not to.  I respect whatever and wherever you are on your journey.  And let me just say once more, DAMN, I MISS IT.  It doesn't just magically go away.  You have to find something to fill the hole.  I found AA.  You find whatever you want to fill that void.  When I am done feeding babies, I will have to keep filling the void with good stuff in order to not pick up again.  And I will.  Believe that.

    I miss the smoking most of all.  I have no shame in admitting that.  HOWEVER, The gratitude and the being present in this moment in this life is so much better.  The payoff of life and being worthy of more life is so worth it. I believe in myself and I believe that YOU are so worth it.


  1. You are my hero. My girlfriend and I are in the process of beginning IUI and I've recently quit smoking (cigarettes and... other things). It's been the hardest struggle. But I know if I want healthy babies, I need to get healthy NOW... before I start. You know?

    Anyway, I think you're hilarious, and I love that you can find humor in even the worst situations. You are an inspiration.


  2. You, my friend, are a beautiful & fabulous beacon. Keep doing what you do...not only are you moving forward with this crazy-stupid-amazing help lead the way.

    And bewbies with babies attached is very contemplative & meditative. Weird like that.

    I'm so proud of where you are. We all have our demons. Even non-users can have nasty vices that are hard to quit. But we all trudge along with something beautiful to hopefully look forward to.

    Thank you for continuing to inspire. YOU INSPIRE! And I love you!

  3. Kitty Kat,

    If I haven't told you lately how grateful I am to have you in my life, then shame on me! You are a rock star!!
    As I nursed all three of my babies I too got to run away. In my head. It was a time for not only bonding, but reflection. I think that you are using feeding those hideously ugly babies just swimmingly. Love you!

  4. You are amazing. I heart you muchly. I still love my nursing time, though it wanes, possibly for good. Le sigh. xsnos

  5. Christ, YES. I lost count of the number of times I've wanted to run away/check out this past week. And the only reason I didn't is because I now know, from the bottom of my black little heart, that it won't work for me anymore. And that is a freaking miracle.

    Tho I will say that smoking has crossed my mind more than once. I have been fortunate enough to be able to pick it up and put it down at will, but I used to be able to say that about some other things too, sooooo... yeah. Best not to jack with it one day at a time. I'm filling that hole with taking loving care of myself and my beloved husband and our last remaining elderly dog during this difficult period, hanging onto my amazing friends for dear life, and exercising. I do yoga, for chrissakes. Me.

    I can't tell you how much I appreciate your FB posts and of course your blog. You really are an inspiration, you gorgeous, foul-mouthed, goofy broad. Thank you.
    Katy Brown

  6. I would like permission to use part of what you said to help us nurses that have difficulty summoning up compassion for smokers and drinkers that end up in the hospital repeatedly. What you said is so powerful and so true.

  7. You have no idea how much you teach me. I'm not a user, I guess. But now I get those who are. I take your words with me and don't judge. Why are you so smart, girl?? Dangit!

  8. I just want to say that although I was a 1.5-2 packs a day gal throughout my 20s and 30s who tried to quit a bunch but didnt make it past a day or two, once I finally quit and got past the physical symptoms, I didn't and still don't miss smoking AT ALL. I totally get and respect that you miss it. My dad always did, too. But, for those of you getting psyched to quit, it's different for everyone. For me, thankfully, it wasn't a content longing. I still battle food addiction. Haven't figured that one out yet. (Sigh.)

  9. My mom quit on her 50th bday and still to this day, 13 years later, she says she would love to pick up a cigarette and smoke! That urge never goes away and she fights it everyday... My dad just quit about 4 years ago, after a heart attack! He would LOVE to smoke...he didn't want to stop but you know, the dieing thing and all kinda gets to him, and us!! Anyway, its hard. Good luck to you! Much love you all of you!!

  10. I quit smoking a week ago.... and I so miss my cigarettes too. Bit I got an e cig that mostly helps the urges. They have non nicotine flavors too, but you still get the feel of smoking.

    I Love your posts, (fb and blog) such an inspiration!

  11. You my dear are inspiring in so many ways. Thank you so much for sharing.

  12. I quit smoking about 5 1/2 years ago, after smoking over a pack a day since I was 12. (Amazingly, I quit with my pregnancies, the smell would make me sick.) But, at 6 weeks post delivery, I'd pick it right back up again. Finally my hubby and I went cold turkey. I have to say it's just been in the last year that I'm completely disgusted by the smell of it. Before, I would still want one, especially when someone would light up. There's something about the smell of a freshly lit cigarette. Anyway, about a year ago I was in an elevator with some smokers, it was winter and I don't think they had ever washed their coats. The smell was OVERWHELMING and did something to me. Now, I almost get physically ill when I'm around smoke. I still don't judge those who smoke; I remember how many times I tried to quit, how many times I just didn't want to quit and how I enjoyed the habit for many years. Kudos to you on your daily journey.

  13. I miss my cigarettes, but feeding my newest baby has become my smoke break too. I have a 6 and 7 year old that have been telling me to quit and the newest was born on the 22nd and I'm sure if she could talk she'd be telling me she was thankful. Doesn't mean I don't miss it EVERYDAY.

  14. Currently typing with a baby on my bewbie. Reading your blog has become my new smoke break. Thank you for your words they brighten my days :)

  15. I don't know how I missed this post, but I'm so glad I found it. You get me. And yes...I remember crying over spilt milk.

  16. Wow. That's exactly how I feel about my cigs! Having NO vices left in life I am left with being in reality 24/7. I'm still trying to embrace feeling the feelings without being overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing!

  17. You have become my lifeline. My hope. As my SO continues to relapse, over and over, he's passed out as we speak, I pick up my phone and head to your blog. I cry, I laugh, I don't feel so alone (because 20 minutes ago I felt hopeless and very very lonely). I feel like a child as I write this. I met him his first week in recovery and a week after his one year sober he has relapsed and has relapsed nearly every week since. he is my best friend I never knew I could love like this (except when I held my babies). I know this is all over the place I'm just so full of emotion and need to get it out. I guess I'm just saying thank you. You may not know me personally but man have u kept me sane these last couple months. I have b/g 2 year old twins and a 4 year old boy. I'm a BLM I work full time and some days like today (kids are with their biodad) I am at my wits end. So as insane as this post probably sounds. Thank you for existing. *end crazy tear filled thankful rant*

  18. Users are not weak. Users are strong. We have to fight demons that non-users don't. We are enemy number one. And it's deadly. We try to kill ourselves every day, and until we admit that to ourselves and knock that shit off, we keep getting closer and closer to actually doing it.
    I can't thank you enough for these words. They are the words I have been trying to find to describe an evil that has been trying to take over my life.