I am fairly confident in saying that every new mom who stays home with newborns has these feelings. And multiply that by two, and you have this dark dark shit that you feel guilty about feeling. GUESS WHAT? I'm talking about it. I'm alone. This is about the loneliest I've ever felt, save for being a hopeless drunk. It's completely different, mind you, but it's lonely nonetheless. I'm on my own here during the day with two little beings, who while incredibly cute do nothing but SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME. Literally and metaphorically. My bewbies are drained and pumped so hard, they are pretty much indented. While yes, we are incredibly grateful for these two precious gifts, CHRIST ON A BICYCLE they are exhausting and soul sucking.
They are also soul affirming when they smile or do something funny, like fartcrying - which is just what it sounds like. Fart-cry Fart-cry Fart-cry. It's HILARIOUS. You know, when a baby does it. Not adults so much. Have some pride. My dear sweet dumpster husband coined this term, HASHTAG FARTCRY (#fartcry). Let's make it rain on Twitter, y'all.
There's a lot of crying in the Dumpster House lately. Babies and Mommy cry. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes separately while mommy is in the shower she cries. AND GUESS WHAT? That is perfectly ok! We all gotta get that shit out!
I'm using online AA Meetings like they are a fucking life jacket right now. A LIFE JACKET. AA and meetings keep me sane. Keep me sober. Keep me connected. I need that now more than ever. I'm connected with other moms. Other multiple moms. And it helps. It really does, HOWEVER.......
Sure you say, hey Katy, you are going out and having visitors and a wonderful family and support system and have a fantastic completely wonderful husband, so doesn't that help with the loneliness? Well, of COURSE it does. But you know what we drunks need? OTHER DRUNKS. I am saying all this here and I trust that you all will relate and not judge me. That is what I do with other drunks. They get it. They get the deep dark loneliness that we can feel sometimes. We are able to climb back out together if we acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS.
Finding people we connect with is critical. Drunks or not. People we trust and that will have our backs when we call crying or write a text that says something like, "HOLY SHIT THESE BABIES ARE BEING ASSHOLES TODAY" and not think you aren't so fucking grateful for them is CRITICAL.
There are more feelings now than I've ever had in my life. And they are good and bad and don't have to define me or what I'm going through. It's simply admitting that they are there and getting them out in the open and dealing with them that lessen their power. I am NOT ALONE. You are not alone.
These two don't have any secrets. Everything they feel is right out in the open. I'm kind of jealous.
|"Don't tell Mommy, but let's demand simultaneous feedings every time today! That will make her lose her shit! No rest for the weary, and GO!"|
Here's the thing. In the end, if we can laugh at ourselves and have people in our lives who we open up to that MAKE US LAUGH about all this, it can save us on a daily basis. It's all so minute, it's all so small, my world right now. It's babies. Every day, all day. AND THAT IS ISOLATING. I have to keep connected or I'm done for. This is the shit that keeps me sober and laughing and grateful every damn day.
Thank YOU for reading and sharing and helping me every damn day. I hope I'm doing the same for you.